Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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