Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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