Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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