we need to drink 2009 down the drain
birth control should be required to get into college
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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