Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
