you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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