I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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