Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize