I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
