mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
