do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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