I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
