Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
