your thong is hanging out like whoa
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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