blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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