I look better un-naked...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
