Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
