Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
