she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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