This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
