Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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