you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
