Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
