Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize