Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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