I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
