I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
