do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
