my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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