Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
He kissed a someone with a penis
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
