She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
