wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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