If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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