Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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