Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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