you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
