were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
