So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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