I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I touched a dick in church today
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
