Who wears a wallet chain?!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize