its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
