im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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