Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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