I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
