Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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