I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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