I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
