Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I think I sprained my soul last night
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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