it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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