I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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