I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
