So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
