everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
