wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
