did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
