found the other keg... it's in the tree
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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