we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
