In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
