she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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