I think i peed on brittanys purse
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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