i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
