What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How drunk are you?
Completed.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
