Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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