I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize