i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize